-CharIie. -Come on.
That tickIes!
-UncIe CharIie? -Not now, Jake.
I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV.
Great.
-Jake, I磎 not aIone in here. -No way.
Way.
-Who磗 in there? -A friend of mine.
-Is it a girI? -HoId on.
Oh, yeah.
Is it Janet?
No.
It磗 my friend Wendy. Say hi to Jake, Wendy.
Hi, Jake. You sing reaIIy weII.
I have to go. This is embarrassing.
-I Iike that you didn磘 Iie to him. -I try to be honest.
It磗 a good quaIity. So, who磗 Janet?
You want a cup of coffee before you go?
No, you磛e got work to do. I shouId probabIy get going.
CharIie, there磗 French toast Ieft.
No, thanks. You met Wendy, right?
Sure. French toast, Wendy?
No, thank you. I shouId reaIIy get going.
You know, I can sing aII of UncIe CharIie磗 jingIes.
No kidding? You磖e gonna have to show me sometime.
-That磗 wonderfuI. -Wendy磗 gotta go, Jake.
Jake! Take five, buddy.
Copasetic. That means okay.
When he moved in here, he was saying 创sweII.创
CharIie, I磛e gotta go to my office for a coupIe of hours.
-Are you okay to watch Jake? -No probIem.
SweII.
WiII you take me RoIIerbIading, UncIe CharIie?
-I can磘, buddy. I got work to do. -What am I gonna do aII day?
It磗 reaIIy nice outside. Why don磘 you wash my car?
No, I wanna go RoIIerbIading.
I couId take him. I磛e got my bIades right in the car.
-ReaIIy? -If it磗 okay with your father.
-That sounds sweII. -I碔I go get my bIades.
And if you want, I can go pick up Iunch and bring it back and we can have a picnic.
Yeah. SweII.
Nice girI. Is it serious?
It is now, you dumb-ass.
Finish your jingIe?
How can I work?
First, Wendy took Jake RoIIerbIading. Then she took him to the movies.
Now she磗 in the kitchen, making us aII dinner.
That bitch.
Don磘 you get it?
She磗 using your kid to turn a nice, casuaI reIationship...
into a reIationship.
Okay, now I get where you磖e coming from.
-Thank you. -You磖e paranoid and you磖e nuts.
Perfect timing. Dinner磗 ready.
Did you see that?
She磗 wearing an apron.
In my house!
Do you know what that means?
I磎 gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.
Are you sure that you don磘 want me to stay and do the dishes?
Positive. AIan wouId just re-wash them anyways.
-I guess I shouId probabIy get going. -Yeah, I guess.
Good, you磖e stiII here. Jake wants to say good night.
Wow, he磗 such a sweetie. Don磘 you just want to eat him up?
If that wouId stop him, yes.
I gotta teII you, CharIie. I think that girI磗 a keeper.
-You think so? -Yeah, she磗 smart...
she磗 pretty, and I think she reaIIy Iikes you.
Be honest, AIan. You married the first girI...
who sIipped you the tongue, didn磘 you?
-No. -Trust me...
this woman has a pIan.
And it磗 diaboIicaI in its MachiaveIIian scope.
I did not marry the first girI who sIipped me the tongue.
I磎 teIIing you, she磗 got her foot in the door and she wiII never Ieave.
Okay, I磎 out of here.
DiaboIicaI!
-Okay. So, I碔I give you a caII? -Yeah. That磀 be great. Okay.
It磗 pretty dark out.
Maybe you shouId go in the morning.
Yeah, I guess I couId.
Are you seeing this?
Howdy, neighbor.
CharIie磗 busy right now, Rose.
I know. White Toyota hasn磘 budged an inch two nights in a row.
I chaIked her tires.
You do know there磗 a stairway right over there?
Of course.
Did you know there磗 a crawI space under the house...
that comes right up into your bedroom?
-So, what are you doing? -I磎 pIaying computer ScrabbIe.
AII by yourseIf? That磗 so sad.
I used to pIay with my wife every night, and I guess I miss it.
You and I have a Iot in common, don磘 we?
How so?
We磖e both Iike two IoneIy socks that want desperateIy to keep someone磗 feet warm.
But we don磘 match up with any other socks.
So aII we can hope for is to be a dust mitten...
or a hand puppet.
That磗 very insightfuI.
And disturbing.
You磖e not thinking you and me, are you?
That磗 very fIattering, but....
Wendy?
创Dear CharIie, thanks for a wonderfuI night.
创Sweet. SpeciaI. See you soon.创
Freedom!
l'm free, l'm so free
AII right, you had sex Iast night. You don磘 have to turn into Mr. BojangIes.
It磗 better than that. I had sex and I woke up aIone.
If there were pancakes on my night tabIe, it wouId be the perfect morning.
What happened to Wendy磗 diaboIicaI, MachiaveIIian scheme to never Ieave?
I don磘 know. I must have foiIed it somehow.
Guess what? Grandma磗 here!
Let磗 see that IittIe dance again.
When I was pregnant with CharIie, we thought he was gonna be a girI.
The sonogram showed no discernibIe penis whatsoever.
Now do you beIieve me?
First she sucks in Jake, then you, now Mom.
She磗 Iike one of those pods from outer space.
But, you know, with a cute ass.
She wouIdn磘 even be here now if you hadn磘 taken her upstairs Iast night.
That was not my fauIt. You saw how she kissed me.
I had to take her upstairs.
And remember what I said: Hook him on the miIk, he碔I buy the cow.
CharIie, where have you been hiding this girI?
She磗 an absoIute deIight!
Yeah, she磗 sweII.
-Good morning, CharIie. -Good morning.
I read somewhere you had Ieft.
I was on my way out the door, and then I ran into your mom...
and then we started taIking, and, you know.
Yeah, I know.
So what brings you here, Mom?
-Do I need a reason? -I磀 Iike one.
I磎 showing a house in MaIibu. I thought I磀 swing by...
and take my grandson out for pancakes.
CharIie wants his on his night tabIe.
I磎 ready. You coming, Dad?
Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram.
Good. Are you and Wendy joining us, CharIie?
Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?
I can aIways make time for pancakes.
WonderfuI. A famiIy breakfast.
Go put on some pants, CharIie.
-But, Mom, I-- -Now.
You have to be firm with him.
By the way, your nose is adorabIe.
-Thank you. -I磎 guessing Dr. Shapiro?
No, it磗 mine.
Sometimes God does good work, too.
Jake, get your stuff together, we gotta get you back to your mom磗.
AIready? But we磖e pIaying.
Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake.
Okay. I puIIed your car around.
If you Ieave now, I think you碔I miss aII the weekend traffic.
Don磘 you worry, CharIie, I磎 Ieaving.
I磎 not worried. I just moved your car so AIan can get out.
I can get out.
Yes, AIan. Now you can.
Thank you for a great weekend.
No, thank you.
-Jake, bye. -Bye.
-AIan, I碔I see you soon. -Bye.
I gotta teII you, CharIie, I think she磗 reaIIy--
Okay. What?
I磎 just saying, I think she磗 reaIIy great.
Me, too. When磗 she coming back?
Let磗 see. Today磗 Sunday, so.... Never.
Why not?
Buddy, she wants something different in a reIationship...
than your uncIe CharIie does.
-What does she want? -UncIe CharIie.
-What do you want? -UncIe CharIie.
And we both can磘 have me.
-I don磘 understand. -It磗 very simpIe, buddy.
UncIe CharIie is nuts.
Yeah, nuts Iike a fox.
So then Wendy can磘 take me RoIIerbIading anymore?
-Nope. -No more movies?
Afraid not.
Boy, you suck.
Suck? How do I suck?
Like a fox.
There he is! Let the party begin!
Shaking Jake! Notorious J-A-K-E!
Jake, he won磘 stop untiI you say heIIo.
Jakety-Jake-Jake!
HeIIo.
How was schooI this week? We missed you around here.
-It was just schooI. -Yeah, I heard that. 创Just schooI.创
Right on.
I don磘 beIieve it. He磗 stiII mad about the Wendy thing.
CharIie, it磗 onIy been a week.
I磎 stiII mad that you peed in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.
Not much of a jamboree for you, was it?
Okay, I磎 sorry about the canteen.
Now wiII you pIease make your son Iike me again?
How wouId I do that, CharIie? And by the way, was that so hard?
ExpIain to him that Wendy was working an angIe...
making friends with him to get to me.
Do you reaIIy want me to teII a 10-year-oId boy...
that somebody he cares about was pretending to Iike him?
What kind of Iesson is that?
He Iives in LA. He might as weII Iearn now.
Just give him some time. He碔I get over it.
-Can I come in? -It磗 your house.
-WeII, it磗 your house, too. -Then, no.
Okay.
You know what? It is my house.
Look, I磎 sorry about the Wendy thing, but there磗 nothing I can do about it.
And I want us to be buddies again. I don磘 want you to hate me anymore.
-I don磘 hate you. -Good.
I磎 just very disappointed in you.
I get enough of that crap from my mother.
So what磗 it gonna take? Cash? Video games?
I don磘 want stuff.
I got pIenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up.
Dude, this isn磘 the same thing.
What磗 the difference? You Iiked Wendy, then you didn磘 Iike her...
and no one cares what I want.
Jake, buddy. Come here.
Come here.
Sit down.
It磗 not that I don磘 care what you want.
It磗 just that you磖e a kid. And what you want doesn磘 matter.
Wow, I do suck.
H-A-T.
Hat.
That磗 it? AII this time for 创hat创?
Let me see your tiIes.
See. You had 创hatefuI.创
See, it wouId have fit right here, off the 创A创 in my 创quotidian.创
Wow, how did you see that?
I have ScrabbIe eyes. It磗 a gift.
And sometimes a curse.
AIan, Jake won磘 pIay with me.
WeII, I can磘 pIay with you either, CharIie. I am 创occupied.创
You pIayed 创pie创 at your own periI, my friend.
-Hi, CharIie. -Hi, Rose.
AIan, come here.
Your move.
What?
-What are you doing with Rose? -I磎 teaching her to pIay ScrabbIe.
-AIan, you are so naive! -创Naive,创 eight points.
What?
Sorry. I磎 in my game head.
AIan, Rose is using you to get to me.
Do you hear the rampant egotism...
创rampant,创 1 1 points, 创egotism,创 10...
coming out of your mouth?
-I磎 just saying-- -Not everybody is trying to get to you.
The onIy thing that磗 going on here...
is two IoneIy peopIe pIaying a game of ScrabbIe.
PIease teII me you磖e not thinking about you and Rose?
Me and Rose?
Let磗 see.
One Russian bIonde.
One Scottish brunette.
And a fuII-bodied redhead from Napa VaIIey.
CharIie磗 angeIs.
-Sorry. Oh, hi. -Hi.
-What are you doing here? -I磎 grocery shopping.
Here? In my supermarket?
So this is just a coincidence?
WeII, it磗 not entireIy. I eat food, and I Iive two bIocks away.
Come on, Wendy. We both know that--
-Everything okay? -Yeah, everything磗 fine.
Dave, this is CharIie. CharIie, Dave.
Dave, we need a DurafIame Iog.
Okay.
-Who磗 that? Your brother? -No, he磗....
Look, CharIie, I know I probabIy shouId磛e given you a caII...
but I thought that after Iast weekend, it was pretty cIear...
it wasn磘 gonna work out between you and me.
What?
I was happy to entertain your nephew for a whiIe.
I mean, he磗 a great kid, but who磗 got the energy?
And your mother, she磗 been caIIing me aII week.
She wants to go to a spinning cIass with me. What is up with that?
I thought you two hit it off.
I磎 from the Midwest. I was being poIite.
What did you think was going on?
That.
-So, no hard feeIings? -No, of course not.
So you and Dave, how serious is that?
Goodbye, CharIie.
You know, you磖e breaking a IittIe boy磗 heart.
You see, my reIationships with women, they come and go.
But you and me, we磖e famiIy.
That磗 soIid. That磗 forever. You with me?
I think so.
Maybe I shouIdn磘 be Iaying this on you, because you磖e 10.
But I磎 beginning to reaIize...
I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was.
Yeah, it磗 a mind bIower, isn磘 it?
You see, the probIem isn磘 with who I go out with.
The probIem is with me.
Your UncIe CharIie has major trust issues with women.
And I think it might have something to do with my reIationship with my mom.
I understand.
Do you?
No, I磎 just tired and I don磘 care anymore.
So, we磖e cooI?
-Yeah. -Good.
-Good night. -Good night.
-UncIe CharIie? -Yeah.
Does this mean you don磘 have nuts Iike a fox?
Yeah.
That磗 what it means.
Don磘 Iook at my tiIes, AIan.
ScrabbIe eyes, my sweet patootie. He磗 a tiIe peeker.
Rose, Iisten. I think I owe you an apoIogy.
You mean for seducing me with your roguish charms...
and then dumping me Iike a bag of oId doorknobs?
That, and more recentIy....
I toId AIan that you were being nice to him just to get cIose to me.
And I磛e come to reaIize that磗 my own paranoia about women...
trying to manipuIate me. And I磎 sorry that I projected that on you.
Come here, you big siIIy.
-I forgive you. -ReaIIy?
Thank you.
Okay. I gotta go. Your brother is out of controI with that egg timer.
You think maybe I couId pIay with you guys?
It磗 fine with me. Go ask Mr. That磗-not-a-word.
Thanks.
And again, I磎 sorry.
I碔I be right there.
Phase 1, compIete.
EngIish